Dissonance
by annaliesegrace
Summary: The past comes back to haunt one of the team members.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Dissonance

Author: Annaliesegrace

Rating: K-ish for themes

Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own them and I make no profit.

Summary: The past comes back to haunt one member of the team.

AN: I'm back, did you miss me? This will go about 5-6 chapters depending on how wordy I get. Reviews are greatly appreciated, so feel free to leave one on the way out.

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><p><em>A man cannot free himself from the past more easily than he can from his own body. ~André Maurois <em>

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><p>Marty Deeks looked at his partner, who was currently standing in front of him, a determined look on her face. Grinning he took a quick step toward her before backing up and she eyed him warily. They had been circling each other the better part of thirty seconds, each waiting for the other to strike first.<p>

"Ladies first," Deeks finally said.

"Nuh uh, you first. We're doing this for _your _professional training, not mine, partner."

"So you go first."

"Fine," she spit out and lightening fast her fist made contact with his chest. But he was ready and grabbed her wrist, twisting while pulling her into him. When her back made contact with him he wrapped one arm around her upper chest, holding her flush to him.

Leaning in, he whispered in her ear. "I win."

He swore he felt her shudder slightly as his breath touched her skin. And he grinned again, because getting a reaction like that from his partner was becoming increasingly entertaining and happening more frequently. Their sparring matches were more hands on then they had been in the past. Which had a frustrating side effect, the constant contact was intensifying the already borderline tension between them. The tension that had started as somewhat hostile, but moved rather quickly to teasing before landing where they were now, partners and friends who ignored the simmering sexual tension between them. Though saying they ignored it was partly untrue. Because ignoring what was quickly growing between them as a result of their strong connections as friends (not _just _partners) was becoming progressively harder.

Especially days like today when they were working on his hand to hand combat skills; which, by definition, required a significant amount of physical contact.

She struggled slightly, intentionally moving her hips against his in an effort to distract, but Deeks wasn't biting.

"Hey now," he whispered again in her ear. "Play fair."

"There aren't rules in this game," she mumbled, leaning her head back onto his shoulder, exposing the skin of her neck to him. The lovely, smooth, extremely kissable skin of her neck. And for an instant he was distracted by thoughts of his lips on that skin, which he paid for dearly when her elbow was thrust sharply into his side, causing him to loosen his grip around her chest. Kensi pulled away and swept his feet out from under him, sending Deeks sprawling to the floor while she stood over him, a devious grin on her face.

"No rules out there." She pointed outside. "Means no rules in here." She smiled while saying it and held out a hand to help him up in apology.

He took the offered hand…and promptly pulled her down to him, quickly reversing their positions so he now had her pinned to the floor.

"Uh, get off…" she hissed and pushed on his chest.

"I win?"

"Fine, you win. OFF."

Leaning down a little farther, placing his lips near her ear, Deeks took his well-being in his hands and whispered, "I like it right where I am."

They both knew she was fully capable of forcing the issue and physically moving him, but truth be told, she liked right where they were as well. Which was what put their relationship on that fence between friends and something more. Because she did like having him around, she did like having a trusted confidant, she liked…him.

The time they spent with each other outside of work had been enjoyable as well. What started as occasional beers at one of their apartments turned into surfing lessons for her and time at the gun range for him.

Eventually that led to one off night a week together. Those nights were the ones that usually followed the really hard cases and had cemented them as friends, because they always started with alcohol (the hard kind) and ended with honesty. They shared more of themselves then they ever intended on those nights. She knew what his father had done before an eleven year old Marty Deeks had shot him in self-defense. He knew all about her father's death and how much it (and the man) had made her into what she was today.

"Ok, buddy, you're getting kinda heavy here," she stated and pushed gently at his shoulders.

But Deeks was in a daring – and possibly suicidal – mood, so instead of immediately pulling his body off hers, he dipped his head farther down and placed a leisurely kiss to the side of her neck, right under her ear. And promptly sprung up, holding out one hand to her.

The look on her face was a mix of confusion and incredulity. Had he actually _kissed _her? That was new. Sure they touched innocently on occasion, a hand on an arm or leg, an arm swung around shoulders and invading the others personal space was a daily occurrence. But that was the first time lips had made contact.

And damn if that little bit, that just briefest of touches hadn't sent a shiver of something exciting through her body.

She took the proffered hand and followed him to a bench under the windows. Sitting next to each other, they each pulled out a bottle of water and drank in silence, neither willing to start the conversation about whatever _that _was.

Staring at the floor, Deeks finally spoke, and shocked the hell out of her. "Hetty wants me to resign from LAPD and join NCIS full time. That talk we had before she disappeared? She had the paperwork all filled out for me."

Kensi looked at her partner. That had been four months ago. "And you didn't sign it?"

He took a long drink and looked at her. "Obviously."

Her head cocked sideways. "Why?"

"It's…" he blew out a long breath. "Being a cop is who I am, not just what I do, I can't just…give that up."

"NCIS are cops Deeks. Just…Federal ones."

He looked at her sideways. "Maybe in general, but not this group."

She bumped his shoulder. "We do have the good toys."

"Yes, yes you do," he conceded. "But this way I get to be a cop _and_ have the toys. Being LAPD is just…something I dreamed about when I was kid. Having detective next to my name _means _something to me; it would be hard to give that up. Even for the good toys and the Federal check."

She covered the hand that was resting on his knee with hers. "Yeah, I get that."

Returning the smile, he turned his hand over and twined their fingers, squeezing gently. Staring at their joined hands, Deeks debated for just a second about bringing up their evolving relationship before opening his mouth.

"Kensi…" he started slowly, with a serious tone.

"Don't Deeks," she said, but didn't remove her hand from his.

"Don't what? Talk about…us?"

"There is no us…"

He looked pointedly at their hands. "I don't think Sam and Callen hold hands."

She tried to pull her hand away but his grip was unrelenting. "We shouldn't be."

"Yeah? And I probably shouldn't have kissed you either. That doesn't mean it's wrong."

"So why did you?" she asked, her dark eyes boring into him. Daring him to speak the words.

Releasing her hand he took another long drink and for a moment Kensi thought he wasn't going to answer. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"And now?"

He looked at her and smiled. "Still does."

She had nothing to say to that. Nothing that wouldn't lead to a conversation she wasn't willing to have anyway.

"Maybe one day…" he mused quietly.

"One day?" she asked, unclear.

"I'll sign those forms."

Sighing, she looked at his profile, Kensi could tell he was torn. LAPD had been his dream his entire crappy childhood. It was his safe haven. But NCIS held so much more promise for an exceptional undercover like himself. "You have to decide what is best for you, Deeks. But Hetty wouldn't have offered if she didn't think you'd make a great agent."

"Do you think I would?"

A smile graced her face. "I do."

It was his turn to bump her shoulder. "Thanks, partner."

"Any time." Standing she continued, "Shower."

He stood as well, hovering in her personal space. "I'd love one."

One well placed hand on his chest kept him from moving closer. "Down boy, I'm taking one alone."

"Shame…"

A cough from the door caused them to jump apart and turn to see Nell Jones looking incredibly uncomfortable.

"We have a lead on our suspect," she stated and turned quickly, leaving.

Deeks gave her a lecherous expression. "Maybe we should share, in the interest of time and all."

Rolling her eyes, Kensi moved toward the women's showers. "Ten minutes, Deeks."

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><p>"I found an old address buried in some loan paperwork Sanders completed last year, he listed an address by the Santa Monica pier, place is now owned by a shell company but I managed to trace Sanders back to it."<p>

"The address is on your phones," Nell added.

The partners nodded and quickly left OPS. Getting into her car, Deeks immediately turned the A/C to its highest setting.

"Seriously?" she asked and pulled into traffic.

"It's ninety five degrees!"

"I thought you were a California guy…you should be used to the heat."

"I'm used to air conditioning."

She shook her head good naturedly. "Wow, you really are…delicate."

An annoyed huff came from him but he didn't exactly disagree with her either. Watching the scenery go by, Deeks could practically feel the heat cooking the car window. The only time he didn't mind the oppressive, thick heat was when he was surfing.

The trip to Santa Monica went quicker than expected, with the holiday weekend upon them, the traffic was slightly lighter than usual.

As she pulled off the highway, Deeks spared her a look before staring straight out the front window. "So…whatcha doing for the Fourth?"

"Probably still working this case, what do you think?" her voice was tight, irritated.

They had been working this case close to two weeks already; an eternity when usually they closed them within a few days. But every lead, witness or sniff of a suspect they had disappeared or lead them nowhere. It was beyond frustrating and had all of them – Hetty included – on edge.

"Well, on the off chance we close this, or Hetty gives us some time off, you want to come over?"

She pulled onto a tree lined street in an older neighborhood and started looking for the house number. "Deeks…"

"What? I have a great view of fireworks and beer. You got a better offer?"

Now she smiled. "No, I suppose I don't."

"So…that's a yes?"

Seeing the house they were looking for, Kensi pulled to the curb and regarded her partner, he was giving her one of those charming grins. "Yes, that's a yes. Happy? Can we go back to work now?"

"Yes, on both accounts," he stated and opened the door, stepping out.

As they approached the porch, Deeks noticed the front door was cracked open and grabbed his partner by her forearm, nodding his head. Silently they pulled their weapons and approached, Deeks pushing the door open on a count of three and as they stepped in Kensi announced "Federal Agents" (they had long ago stopped trying to explain Deeks wasn't an Agent) sharply.

No response came and they fully entered the living room.

Which was completely trashed. But not like it had been recently burglarized, more that the occupants simply didn't care. Dirty clothes mixed with stale – and smelly – food, there were newspapers spread all over the place and the distinct smell of cat urine filled the air. Deeks was pretty sure he spotted drug paraphernalia in the disaster.

Deeks made a face at her as they moved father into the room, finding it challenging to not step on something on the cluttered floor and give away their presence.

Quickly they cleared the living room and equally cluttered kitchen before moving down a hall to the bedrooms. There were four doors total, three to one side and one to the other, the first open door to their right was a bathroom and quickly cleared. Kensi indicated she would take the single door – clearly the master bedroom – and Deeks nodded his agreement as they moved forward as one before he turned into a guest room.

Turning quickly into the room with her gun raised, Kensi noted this room seemed the cleanest of the place, relatively speaking. She could at least walk without threat of breaking an ankle on something. Passing a bathroom, she quickly glanced in the room, nothing. Moving toward the closet which was next to the bath and adjacent to a large doorwall, Kensi froze when she heard a shuffling noise come from the closet.

Taking a deep breath, she moved closer to the single door and reached out one hand toward the knob.

"NCIS…" she started but was stopped when the door suddenly flung open and a larger man stepped into the bedroom, standing four feet in front of her gun.

"Freeze!" she said and he complied. She started to call for Deeks when something struck her about the figure. He looked familiar. Tall, thin and unkempt, his hair dirty, his eyes flitting all over the room without actually focusing…but familiar nonetheless.

When the hazel eyes finally met hers, Kensi nearly dropped her weapon.

_It couldn't be…it couldn't fucking be._

As her internal battle waged, the gun in her hand wavered just slightly, enough for the intruder to strike. He rushed her and shoved Kensi violently into the footboard of the bed, forcing the air from her lungs and sending sharp pain through her back. The man held her there for several seconds, staring at her intently, confusion and shock on his face, after several seconds he pushed her to the floor and bolted for the open doorwall as Deeks entered the doorway and yelled "freeze", raising his gun.

"NO!" she managed to squeeze out and her partner looked at her long enough for the other man to disappear over the fence.

Deeks ran outside to the pool deck and hopped onto the fence, but the man was long gone. Cursing he returned to the house and crouched in front of his partner, who was sitting up on the floor in front of the bed, still struggling with regaining her breath.

"You ok?" he finally asked after several minutes and one call to LAPD forensics requesting a team.

"Yeah…yeah." But her voice and her look were faraway and Deeks looked back at where their suspect/witness/whatever had disappeared to.

"What the hell was that?"

"It was…" she leaned her head back on the footboard and Deeks would have sworn she looked like she was about to cry.

"Kensi," his tone was soft. "What's going on?"

Now she met his clear blue eyes and they looked so worried that Kensi felt bad. "That…that was Jack."

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><p>There was a long moment where the partners just stared at each other before Deeks spoke. "You're sure?"<p>

She gave him a nasty look.

Deeks raised his hands in surrender. "Look, I just want to make sure that you are _sure _that's who it was."

"I'm sure. He looked…not like Jack, Deeks. Dirty…thin, tired," she looked down at her hands. "But yeah, it was him."

"Ok, I believe you."

"Thanks," she muttered and slowly got off the floor, Deeks following and looking around the room carefully.

"Sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, just stiff."

Deeks merely nodded and zeroed in on something he noticed earlier on the night table. Sighing he pulled one black glove out of his pocket and after donning it, picked up a baggie. Inspecting it carefully while she looked on, Deeks quickly recognized the contents.

"Heroin. And I'm pretty sure I saw more paraphernalia in the living room."

And her heart sunk a little, because her first impression of seeing Jack was that he looked like an addict.

"Shit," she muttered and looked around herself, finding more in the dresser drawers.

"He was probably here looking for a score," her partner muttered quietly.

Kensi gripped the edges of the drawer she was looking at tightly, willing away the tears. This was not the Jack she remembered, even on his worst day, and she could not reconcile the two. Not once had he been violent with her, never had he raised a hand or his voice. For a Marine, he was shocking soft-spoken, which made the words he did speak that much more potent.

Taking a deep breath she closed the drawer and turned to find her partner standing directly behind her.

"I'll call in the BOLO on him."

"Ok."

"Let's let forensics finish this up, Sanders wasn't here. I'll get LAPD to keep an eye on the house."

"I can't…" she started then stopped, staring at Deeks intently. "Jack…"

Deeks just nodded grimly.

"I can't believe it. We have to find him."

Now Deeks pulled the gloves off his hands and rested them on her upper arms, his thumbs absently moving across the material of her shirt, meeting her eyes directly. "We will."

She bit her lower lip and gave him the barest hint of a nod.

Lack of trust was the reason their partnership had started on such rocky terms, but now neither could imagine having someone else at their back, and for both it was an odd feeling. They were used to working alone, with backup only as required, and that backup wasn't always the same person twice. The stability they brought to each other was something neither was aware they needed. But now that they had it, it was something they were reluctant to give up.

Quickly the partners finished a cursory search of the home, not finding anything that would tell them where their target, Michael Sanders, had gone. Only that he was clearly running a drug business out of the small, messy bungalow.

And that Kensi's ex-fiancé was a client.

Deeks was tempted to take her home, since the run in with Jack she had been silent, only speaking when he asked her a question, and even then she only responded with one word answers.

On the way back to the Mission he leaned over and placed one hand on her forearm. "Kensi, I'm sure this is really…you know, I don't know. I can't imagine what you are going through. But if you need time I don't think anyone would blame you."

"I don't need time, Deeks," her tone was angry.

Deeks knew that tone, there was no point arguing with her, she would just take it as a personal attack on her abilities. "Ok."

By the time they arrived, Hetty already knew what had happened based on the short conversation Deeks had had with the manager after they finished the search.

"Ms Blye, may I speak to you?" The older woman asked as they walked in. Kensi paused and Deeks could see her thinking about declining, but in the end turned and followed Hetty back to her office area.

"She ok?" Callen asked as soon as the women were out of earshot.

Keeping his eyes on his partner he responded, "She's Kensi, so she pretends everything is fine, that nothing bothers her, when really…she's a hot mess inside." Now he turned toward the agent. "She refuses to talk about it."

Callen nodded. "Sounds like Kensi."

Deeks looked at the Agent and snapped out, "And you guys just…let her do it. You realize that right? You just let her internalize everything, never pushing. And you know what? You're not helping, you're making it worse."

With that Deeks turned around and headed upstairs leaving Callen to watch him go.

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><p>"Ms Blye, I think it would be wise if you took some time-"<p>

"Hetty, I'm fine, really," she responded, tired of this already and it had been only Deeks and Hetty mentioning it.

"Given the events of today, I doubt that. You came up empty on Sanders, the house is being watched by LAPD and we have a BOLO out on your ex, Mr McConnon. I think we have done all we can for today."

Kensi leaned towards the desk. "He's out there, Hetty. Now that I know he's…alive and in LA. I have to find him. He might be mixed up in this somehow."

Hetty placed her hand on Kensi's. "And I have no doubt that you will. But have you thought about what you are going to do once you find him? Does he even _want_ help? If so he will require rehab, counseling and be placed back on medication. Are you willing to do that again? How far are you willing to go for a man you haven't seen in six years? A man who abandoned you?"

She opened her mouth and closed it again without a word. Kensi hadn't actually thought that through, her focus had been simply finding him. Hetty had a way of reminding people of the practicality of situations.

"I just need to find him; maybe this time..."

"Maybe. But until he is found intentions are nothing more. Head home, think about what I have said, hmmm?"

Kensi nodded and stood. "Thank you Hetty."

"Anytime. Go. I will let your partner know where you are."

With that Kensi turned and headed to her desk, picking up her coat and keys, walking out the door without so much as turning back.

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Choose

**Many thanks for the alerts and extra special thanks to those who took the time to review. They are always appreciated and I love reading them. Also, I should note that I messed with the show timeline just slightly, according to this, the season finale events happened in March and the fic is set early July. **

**I hope to post once a week (ish, work has been crazy lately) for the next five weeks, barring anything unforeseen. That said…on with the show.**

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><p>"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." – Anais Nin<p>

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><p>It came as no surprise to her when three hours later there was a distinct knock on her door. Standing, she wiped the tears from her face, took a deep breath and opened the door to her partner who was holding a bag of burgers and beer. Kensi smiled wanly, it had been a rough couple hours, with nothing to do but think about how she had failed Jack so miserably that he turned to drugs and was homeless. And wonder why she hadn't at least <em>tried <em>to find him before. Kensi knew the answer to that, she didn't look to protect herself, she couldn't handle facing him, instead electing to move on and push Jack to the far recesses of her mind. Probably not the healthiest way to go about it, but it had worked. Until now.

Wordlessly she allowed him access and locked the door, taking the beer from Deeks' hand as she passed him on the way to straightening the couch.

Within minutes they were eating and drinking – Kensi more drinking than eating – and Deeks kept sneaking side glances at his partner. It had not escaped him that her eyes were puffy and slightly red from crying.

Eventually the silence became too much for Deeks and he spoke. "So…what are you going to do?"

"About what?" she asked and took a long drink of the beer.

That earned her a well-deserved glare. "When we find Jack. What are you going to do?"

She looked down at the beer she was holding and started picking at the corner of the label. "Hetty asked me the same thing."

"And?"

"And I don't know, Deeks. I'm so fucking confused. I still feel like somehow this is my fault. If only I had looked before, if only I had tried harder when he was with me." She let out a long sigh. "But you know…I learned a long time ago that 'if onlys' are exactly that and..."

She paused but he said nothing, waiting for her.

Finally she continued, "And you can't change the past. And I couldn't have stopped Jack from walking out that door if I tried. But I still feel like I need to do…something. I just don't know what that something is yet. "

Deeks nodded. "What if there isn't anything for you to do?"

"What?"

"When we find Jack, what happens if you can't help him? Can you let him go?"

"I…"

"Can you? Can you walk away knowing you did everything you could and it wasn't enough?"

"I don't know." She jumped up from couch and started pacing. "I just…I can't turn my back on him again."

"He may not even want your help, Kensi."

"Why do you keep doing that?" she practically yelled at him.

"Doing what?"

"Assuming the worst."

Exasperation covered his face and he stood, gently grasping her upper arms. "You and me, we've talking about Jack before, and I'm just worried that you're going to forget how much he hurt you the first time while trying to make up for the past. You don't deserve that again."

She looked at him strangely but the anger at him had deflated. She understood her partner's motivation and for not the first time she was thankful he was in her life. "Thank you."

Now it was his turn to look confused. "For what?"

"Being here."

He looked vaguely uncomfortable that she had read him so easily but quickly recovered and pulled her into a hug. Bringing his lips to her ear, he whispered, "I've got your back. Always." He paused before quickly adding, "That is, if you want me to."

Burying her face into the soft cotton of his t-shirt she muttered her reply. "I do."

They stayed that way for several minutes, Kensi wrapping her arms around his waist and holding on tightly, needing the anchor to reality. Because sometimes she did forget that Jack had been gone six years, after seeing him that afternoon it felt like she was back to being a naïve twenty-four year old trying to help the man she loved. And while she was still trying to help, she was no longer naïve, and while a small part of her would always love him, the feelings she used to have where gone long.

The man who currently had his strong arms wrapped around her and his cheek resting gently on the top of her head, he was what she needed and wanted. Kensi knew Deeks would have her back. Despite their seemingly opposite personalities, they fit each other. They pushed each other in the best of ways.

Pulling away she looked at him, those baby blues of his laser focused on her. And she could see the concern in them and for a moment she felt her chest swell. The feelings she had for him were dangerous, on many levels. But she couldn't bring herself to care because it was Deeks and it felt…right.

Quietly she led him back to the couch and they finished their late dinner in silence.

As the evening news finished playing, Deeks looked at his partner, who had dropped her head into his lap an hour earlier and had promptly dozed off, as he stroked the long strands of her hair. The urge to protect her was strong, stronger than it should be considering this was Kensi Blye, the one person he was sure didn't need protecting. But in this case, Deeks knew he was protecting his partner from herself.

Shifting slightly after turning off the TV, he pulled out from under her and started to cover her body with a blanket when those mismatched eyes opened and looked at him sleepily.

"Hey, I'll see you in the morning, ok?" he whispered.

She seemed to slip back into sleep but as he turned to leave her hand darted out and grabbed his wrist. "Stay?" she asked, her eyes open again.

"Kensi I don't…" The refusal barely made it past his lips before one word had him changing his mind.

"Please."

Kensi didn't want to be alone tonight; the last thing she wanted was to be alone with her thoughts.

"Get in bed, I'll sleep on the couch," he said and pulled the blanket off her.

Standing she shook her head and took him by the hand, leading him to her bedroom. "We can share, it's a big bed."

He gave her a cocky grin. "Just as long as you stay on your side. I know you've been dying to get your hands on this…"

She laughed lightly and unzipped her hoodie, leaving her in shorts and a tank top. "I'll try to resist my urges. Now get in bed."

"Yes, ma'am." She rolled her eyes at him as he swiftly pulled off jeans and crawled in next to her wearing boxers and a t-shirt. Leaning into her, he gently pushed some hair off her face and kissed her forehead tenderly. "Sleep well."

She just smiled back and they each lay down on their own pillows, facing each other but not quite touching. "Night," she mumbled and closed her eyes.

* * *

><p>The insistent ringing of a cell phone woke Kensi from a deep sleep and she reached out from under the sheet and grabbed the offending device off the nightstand.<p>

"Yeah," she mumbled into the mouthpiece, making no attempt at sounding awake. Probably because the body curled up to her back and warming her made the bed that much more appealing. As she spoke her partner shifted and nuzzled his face against her shoulder – tickling her skin with the beard that needed a trim – and mumbled something unintelligible.

"Kensi?" The voice on the other end said, clearly confused.

Immediately she recognized Eric's voice. "Yeah. What's up Eric?"

"Uhh, we have a good lead on Sanders, Hetty wants everyone in now."

"Ok, will do. I'll let Deeks know."

"Um, ok…" the tech replied slowly and Kensi hung up the phone, tossing it back onto the night table.

Rolling over to face her bedmate, Kensi pushed some hair off Deeks' forehead, smiling when the strands moved right back. Now she knew why his hair always looked so unruly. Staring at his face (he was still mostly asleep), Kensi knew what she had to do. Deeks was her future, Jack was her past, but in order to move forward (in any capacity) with Deeks she had to close out the Jack chapter of her life – whatever that meant. And in a moment of stunning clarity, Kensi realized that she did want to move forward with Deeks, that waking up in the same bed with him seemed…normal. And God did she crave normal some days. Hetty was right, did she want to wake up one day and realize all she had left were the remains of a (successful) career and nothing else? No, she didn't.

"We have to go in. Lead on Sanders."

An arm wrapped round her waist. "Rather stay here."

"I know." She paused and shifted and his eyes opened. "You're a good man, Deeks."

"Don't let that get out. It'll ruin my rep."

She made a noise of disbelief. "What rep? The one where you surf during investigations or the one about Hetty Segway?"

"Hey! You weren't supposed to tell about the Segway."

"And I haven't…yet." She heaved a long sigh. "Look, Deeks…"

His head shook. "Not now, ok? Later. After all…this."

They didn't need to define 'this'.

"Ok. Now up."

He made a noise of annoyance, but got out of bed anyway.

* * *

><p>In OPS Eric hung up the phone slowly and turned to Nell, who was typing furiously.<p>

"That was…weird," he said.

"What was weird?" she asked without turning.

"I called Deeks' phone…and Kensi answered."

Now the other tech turned in her chair and glanced at the clock, shrugging. "Its seven, Eric, they were probably up already and working out or getting coffee together."

Eric pursed his lips together and shook his head, remembering the sounds of sheets rustling, Kensi's decidedly sleepy tone and an equally sleepy male voice in the background. "Nooo, she was in bed. And said she would let Deeks know, not call him."

Nell opened her mouth as if to say something, but quickly closed it. There were enough rumors going around about the partners that she didn't want to fuel more. "Let's keep that between us."

"Agreed."

* * *

><p>The 'lead' on Michael Sanders turned out to be a bust that wasted more than half their day. Hetty was getting ready to pull the op just based on lack of leads and hand it over to the San Diego office, the only thing stopping her was its tenuous tie to her Junior agents ex. The manager doubted that Jack McConnon would be much use, but she also knew that this was the best chance Kensi had of locating him and getting closure.<p>

And Hetty was big on closure. Especially the kind that would allow her female agent to embrace the advice she had given not so long ago about having someone to come home to.

So against her better judgment she left the case active for the Special Projects division, for now. If the wayward McConnon was not located shortly she _would_ send the case to San Diego where it would inevitably end up in a cold case box and no one would bother keeping up the BOLO.

And Jack McConnon would disappear once again.

Glancing at the clock on her laptop – it was nearly 10 pm - Kensi sighed and checked the NCIS BOLO. No one had reported any sightings; same as the last three times she had checked that day.

Suddenly her partner appeared in front of her and she looked at him wearily. "Heading out?" she asked.

"Yeah, you coming?"

Looking back down at the laptop she shook her head. "Not yet, but soon. Promise."

Her partner stared at her with such intensity that Kensi was certain he was reading her mind. But instead of calling her out on the fact that 'soon' would probably be midnight he nodded. "Ok. Call me if you need me though."

"I will."

He seemed satisfied with that answer and quickly packed up his things and headed out the door with a quick 'bye'.

Thirty minutes later Eric appeared in the same spot in front of her computer that Deeks had just vacated.

"Yes, Eric?" she asked without looking up from her Google search.

The tech looked uncomfortable a minute before taking a deep breath. "Got a lead on Jack."

Her head snapped up. "Where?"

Eric handed her a piece of paper with an address on it. "Homeless shelter in Long Beach."

Kensi made a face and looked at the paper. "Long Beach? How credible is this lead? That's at least thirty miles from Santa Monica. Not impossible, but pretty challenging for a homeless guy to make it that far."

Eric just shrugged. "It was credible; patrol officer remembers dropping off a guy matching his description. Want me to call the guys?"

Considering this a moment, Kensi shook her head. "No, I'll check it out. It's probably nothing. Again."

"Ok," the tech said and wandered back upstairs.

It took Kensi exactly thirty five minutes to get to the address Eric provided. It was in a shady part of town, and while the small-ish building looked rather non-descript from the outside, once you walked in, however, the building was clearly well maintained with a clean paint job and nicer furniture in the entry.

Walking through the entry, Kensi looked around a moment before finding a volunteer, an older woman, shorter than Kensi with graying hair. "Excuse me, who is in charge?"

The woman looked at her suspiciously. "That would be me, can I help you?" Her tone was no-nonsense.

Kensi pulled out her ID. "Kensi Blye, NCIS. We received a tip that someone we believe may have information pertinent to a case was brought here." She pulled out an older photo of Jack and showed the woman. "This is about six years old."

"We see about a hundred and fifty men a night, most are just passing through. We do have a couple regulars but he doesn't look like one of them."

Sighing, Kensi looked around. "Would it be ok if I looked around?"

The other woman considered this before nodding. "As long as you keep it low key."

"I can do that," Kensi said and stepped away, slowly walking the outside of the room.

It took her nearly twenty minutes to cover the main large sleeping area before she headed into a smaller rec area. She was not feeling hopeful as she entered the room. But as her gaze moved across the tired looking faces, about halfway around the room she stopped.

Jack.

He looked 10 years older than his actual age, his cheeks were sunken in, his hair grey and dirty, with an unkempt beard and he was easily thirty pounds lighter than the last time she saw him. But it was his eyes that caught her; those brown eyes that once upon a time were strong and determined looked tired and beaten down. He was over six feet, but slumped against the wall he looked…small.

Following the wall, she worked her way around the room to where he was standing, it was only as she got within ten feet that he looked up at her and recognition dawned on his face.

"Kensi…" he breathed out, but didn't move, almost as if he was unsure she was actually there.

"Jack."

For a long moment they stared at each other before he took several steps toward her and wrapped her up in a hug. "I thought I was imagining things yesterday."

"You weren't," she said and pulled away from him, suddenly uncomfortable with his display of affection. "Listen, can we…talk somewhere? It's about yesterday."

He looked around. "There really isn't anywhere…private here."

Blowing out a breath, she looked at her watch – it was midnight already - and made a decision she knew was questionable at best. "Why don't you come with me? Back to my place…We can talk, you can get a good night sleep and in the morning I can take you in."

"In?"

_Crap. _She had shockingly forgotten that he didn't realize why she was there. "I'm an NCIS agent now."

His eyes widened. "You're NCIS? Am I under arrest?"

"No, no," she said firmly. "We think you can help us find someone we have been looking for."

"Huh, NCIS. I guess that's how you found me?"

"Yeah, we had a BOLO out."

He just nodded and looked at his drab shoes.

"So, come with me?" she asked again.

He considered that. "Yeah…I'd like that."

Most of the car ride was silent, each of them unsure what to say to the other. Too much time had passed for them to have much in common anymore.

"Kensi…" he started just as she pulled into the driveway.

"Wait until we get inside, ok?"

"K." As she turned off the car, his hand grabbed her upper arm. "I'm glad you found me."

There was something in the tone that made her uncomfortable, but she nodded.

Opening her apartment door, Jack looked around and laughed lightly. "Still messy I see."

"Some things never change," she stated simply and cleaned off the couch.

"And some things do…" he said wistfully.

Grabbing two waters from the fridge, she returned and sat on the couch next to him, opening and handing him the bottle. Kensi decided to get to the point, no reason to mess around; she had to know.

"Jack, are you using?"

He looked down. "I was…I've been clean almost a month. And then I had a line on a job, but I didn't get it and I was on my last couple bucks, nothing in sight. So I thought…one more hit, you know." He shifted on the couch. "The heroin, it makes me forget."

She nodded. "Sanders is your dealer?"

"Yes."

"Do you know anywhere else he does business?"

"I…I've been to this place downtown…"

"Do you know the address?"

"No, no…one of his dealers took me there. I wasn't really paying attention."

"Ok, maybe Eric can do something tomorrow to narrow it down."

"Ok."

Silence fell, this time the uncomfortable silence of two people who used to be close but had lost their way from each other and now found themselves unsure how to act. In their case, the last words they said to each other had been in anger about his treatment and the next morning he was gone.

"How did you get into NCIS?" he finally asked.

"I…can't talk about it."

"Oh."

She reached out and touched his hand. "Listen, Jack…after we talk to my colleagues tomorrow, I can see what I can do for you. Maybe an in-patient treatment center, give you some time to get yourself together."

Jack stared at her for several minutes before speaking. "You were always so good to me, Kensi. I remember that." He paused and turned his hand over, twining their fingers. "Not a week goes by that I don't think about you and what I horrible mistake I made by leaving. I just…I wasn't thinking straight; I couldn't see that you were only acting in my best interests. You always were." His free hand reached out and cupped her cheek.

"Please don't," she whispered and pulled away.

For just a moment Kensi thought she saw anger in his eyes, but as soon as it was there, it was gone, replaced by sadness. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be, but it's been a long time Jack and feelings…change."

"Not for me."

Anger flared momentarily in her and she snapped, "Then why the hell did you leave me?"

Frustration raced across his face. "I was going to destroy you Kensi! Can't you see that? I left because staying was hurting you; I was pulling you down with me into this…abyss. And I couldn't do that to you."

She was stunned. Never had she considered that as the reason he left, she always assumed it was her failings that sent him packing. "I…always thought it was me…"

"You thought I left because of you?"

"Yeah…because I didn't do enough."

"You did more than most, more than anyone else in my life."

Kensi really wasn't sure what to do with this information, for so long she had blamed herself and now Jack was here, sitting in front of her, telling her it was never her fault. It was almost too much for her to take and, oddly, her first thought was to call Deeks so he could talk her through the confusing thoughts swirling in her head.

"Jack…" she started but was cut off by him leaning over and kissing her gently.

Quickly she pulled away and stared at him, stunned at the attempt. But she was also relieved because she felt nothing between them, the love they'd had was well and truly gone. For a moment she grieved for the life they'd had and the future they lost. Then she thought of Deeks and everything they had been through and her feelings for him (some of which she hadn't even sorted out) and she shook her head. "No…"

"I just…I've missed you, Kensi."

She looked down at her hands which were in her lap and sighed. "I missed you for a long time, Jack. But I've moved on, you need to do the same. I'll do what I can to help you, because I loved you once and I want to see you better and happy, but that's it."

"You have someone?"

"I…" How could she explain whatever she and Deeks had? "I have someone I care about."

His face instantly deflated. "Oh."

Suddenly she stood. "Um…why don't you sleep in my bed, you can shower and if you need to I can wash your stuff."

"I'm good, I have some clean clothes in my bag. I…don't like dirty clothes so I try and wash them."

She nodded and stood. Before long, Jack had showered and changed and Kensi had changed the bedsheets.

"Sleep well," she said as he shuffled into the bedroom.

"You too, Kensi." For a moment he stared at her as if to say something else but then turned around and climbed into her bed.

Sighing she lay on the couch, one arm across her forehead, lost in thought. Glancing at the clock she knew midnight was far too late to call Deeks, besides if he found out that Jack was here he would lose it and probably insist on coming over. Still, she couldn't seem to organize her thoughts, they were scattered and confused and finally she gave up, hoping the light of day and some sleep would help.

Rest didn't come as easily as she had hoped, and two minutes before the alarm on her cell went off Kensi got up and rubbed her eyes. Jack had spent most of the night tossing and turning, which in turn kept her up. Several times she was tempted to go in and see if he was ok, but had decided against it.

Stretching as she stood, she walked to the doorway and paused, taking in his prone form on top of the covers. Jack seemed solidly asleep now. Taking one step into the room she called out, "Jack…"

When no response came she moved closer and touched his shoulder, shaking gently and again calling his name.

The next thing she knew, a strong hand was clamped around her throat, squeezing tightly.

* * *

><p>tbc…<p> 


	3. Mistakes

**Again, thank you for the reviews and alerts, they are always appreciated. Keeping this one short today…**

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><p><em>Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does. ~ Josh Billings<em>

* * *

><p>Gasping for air, Kensi was shoved forcefully into wall next to the bed, his hand still tightly wrapped around her neck. The look in his eyes was almost feral; he clearly didn't have a grasp of what was going on around him, lost in some other world. A world in which Kensi was the enemy.<p>

"Jack…" she squeaked out, but it went unheard, he was looking through her, as if he was seeing something else.

Anger flashed in his eyes and he smashed her head against the wall hard enough to dent the drywall. Stars crossed Kensi's vision for a second as she struggled against him, trying to stop the attack.

"Stop," she tried again but the hand on her throat tightened even more, completely cutting off her air and Kensi reached out, scratching his hands with her nails. Abruptly he released his grip and Kensi slumped to the floor, gasping, one of her hands wrapped gently around her throat.

"Stop fighting," he yelled and kicked her hard in the ribs; she cried out as intense pain radiated through her abdomen.

"I'm not…" she tried but he cut off her words with a well-placed punch to the face, and Kensi tasted blood from her lip that had instantly split upon the contact.

And for the first time in a long time, Kensi Blye was afraid. Her gun and phone were in the living room of no use to her and Jack seemed determined to beat her to death. The unexpected attack along with the viciousness of it had put her at a considerable disadvantage.

Again a fist came down at her face and Kensi pulled out of the way enough that it just glanced off her left temple instead.

"Damn sandmen…" he muttered and grasped her upper arm, pulling her up to standing.

_Oh God…_. Jack had called the enemy 'sandmen' when he returned from Iraq during the worst of his PTSD episodes. And last night it had escaped her to ask about the disorder, she had been so focused on his drug use. Which, in retrospect, was foolish, she knew PTSD symptoms could linger for years if untreated. She tried meeting his eyes, but he was looking everywhere but at her.

"It's Kensi!" she finally yelled and for a moment he stopped the attack. But it didn't last and before she knew it, he threw her much smaller body into the dresser, sending the perfume bottles on it scattering. Picking one up in her hand, as he approached, Kensi took the glass bottle and cracked it across his head, causing a large gash that sent blood down his face.

Now he looked at her and all Kensi saw was uncontrolled rage.

"Jack…please…" she all but begged as he brought his hand up to punch her in the head again. This time she raised her arm and blocked him and finally Kensi went on the offensive, punching him across the jaw, which caused agonizing pain to shoot through her hand. He staggered back and she struck again, trying to kick him in the groin, but the room was starting to spin and she misjudged, catching him in the abdomen instead. Thankfully, it was enough to send Jack off balance and she bolted for the door, but just as she made it to the threshold, her head was pulled back by her braid and she cried out in pain.

He threw her to the floor at the foot of the bed, straddling her, a manic look in his eyes. She raised her arms to deflect the fist that was coming at her, but it was only enough to slow the momentum before his knuckles landed near her left eye and agonizing pain radiated through her head once again. Glancing around he grabbed a pillow, but before he placed it over her face he looked at her, really looked at her, and Kensi knew the moment he realized what was going on. What he was doing.

"Kensi…" he whispered in horror and threw the pillow across the room as he sprung up, giving her one last long look before disappearing out the bedroom door.

She watched him go and instead of attempting to follow – Kensi wasn't sure she could, the pain in her abdomen and head was excruciating - she curled into the fetal position and stifled the tears she felt pooling in her eyes.

* * *

><p>"Kensi!" Her partner's distressed tone from the living room caught her attention no more than 20 minutes after Jack had left. "Kensi!"<p>

She tried to call out to him, but found her throat dry and painful and was unable to speak. As his footsteps crossed into her bedroom, she managed to squeak out a "Deeks" and instantly he was at her side, his hand pushing back the strands of hair that had escaped her braid during the assault.

"Holy shit, Kensi. What happened? Who did this?" His questions stopped as he took in her appearance, a split lip that was still bleeding and left eye nearly swollen closed, colorful bruises were already forming on the left side of her face. But it was the distinct finger-shaped bruises wrapped around the skin of her neck that had Deeks fuming.

"Water…"

Carefully he sat her up, leaning her back against the foot of the bed, noting the way she curled into her abdomen before disappearing for a few seconds before returning with a bottle of water. After she had taken a few tentative sips, Kensi placed her head back on the bed and looked at the ceiling.

"I found Jack," her voice sounded horse, but felt better with the water.

"Jack did this?" Deeks asked, barely keeping the anger out of his tone.

God, she did not want to talk about this. "Yeah, a tip came in after everyone left. It was Pasadena so I thought for sure it wouldn't pan out. But…there he was."

"And you brought him home? Why?"

"What else was I going to do? It was late, everyone was home."

For a moment Deeks let his irritation at his partner's irresponsible behavior through. "You _call us, _Kensi. You know that."

"Deeks…" her tone was pleading. She knew it was ill-advised, and she could admit the decision to bring him here was mostly self serving. She needed to talk to him outside the prying eyes of NCIS.

"Sorry…" he mumbled.

"He was fine last night. We talked…he…" she blew out a breath and looked at Deeks. "He's been off the drugs, Deeks, for a little while. He seemed sober; I didn't think he was dangerous. But after this morning…I think it was the PTSD. I…I must have startled him when I came in here to wake him up."

"He slept in your bed?" Now Deeks just sounded possessive, being that he had been in that bed, with her, the night before. Deeks closed his eyes tightly, this was not going as well, he was allowing his emotions to run rampant and Deeks took a deep breath himself, centering his thoughts on the facts and not his personal feelings. "Nevermind, not my business."

"I slept on the couch." She amended.

That brought him a little relief. "So, you woke him up and he went all Hulk on you?"

She nodded and held the cold bottle to her eye.

"Ok, do you need a hospital?"

"Well that's a first…"

"What?"

"Asking instead of telling."

"Well I've learned you aren't going anyway, but I get points for being a good partner if I ask, right?"

Now she smiled. "Yeah, you're a good partner. But no I don't."

He reached out absently and touched the bruised skin of her neck. "He tried to kill you, Kens."

She looked pained. "Twice. He was about to smother me with a pillow when he seemed to…come to his senses and realize what was going on. That's when he left. Maybe twenty minutes before you got here."

"Glad I decided to swing by."

"Me too."

"Ok, I'll head in and…" he started but was immediately cut off.

"I'm coming with you."

He debated arguing with her, but again realized it would be useless. Besides Hetty would certainly want a word with her.

As she showered, dressed and took some Tylenol, Deeks called Hetty and informed the manager what had happened. After which he talked to Eric and had the BOLO revised to include assault on a Federal Officer, which was going to get more attention than 'wanted for questioning'.

By the time they arrived at the Mission, the team (Nell and Eric included) had been briefed on what happened. Despite the warning, none were prepared for the disconcerting finger-like bruises on her neck that had deepened in color. It was beyond bizarre knowing that she could have died that morning and the proof was on her skin, visible to all.

Callen was the first to pull her into a hug (something the team lead almost never did) and whisper into her ear how sorry he was. Sam was next in line, pulling her into a bear hug and kissing the top of her head before making sure she was all right.

None of them - not even Hetty - mentioned the protocol she had clearly broken the night before. They all knew she had learned her lesson, in the worst of ways and pointing it out would be like salt in the wound.

Hetty approached the group and cleared her throat. "I have Nate on the telecon, I wanted him to provide us some insight on Mr. McConnon's state of mind."

Slowly the group made their way upstairs, Deeks sticking as close to Kensi as he could be without actually breaking the invisible personal space barrier. If she minded his nearness, she didn't show it.

Nate was already on the big screen. It was dark wherever he was and his clothes would indicate hot as well.

"Nate," Callen greeted.

"Callen, all." He paused on the screen and stared as best he could on the laptop screen at Kensi, who was leaning on the table, Deeks next to her, his arm discreetly brushing hers. "Hetty gave me background on what happened last night. Clearly your witness' PTSD has not been resolved, he has been using heroin to self medicate. Kensi, he mentioned being off the drugs for a month?"

"Yeah." Her voice was still raw from that morning and Deeks flinched slightly at the sound.

"So he goes off his 'medication' a month ago and everything seems fine, but once he sees Kensi and they talk, the feelings and memories of Iraq and the fall out come back. Adding to that, he wakes up in an unfamiliar environment."

"So…it's my fault he regressed?" Kensi asked, horrified.

"That's not what I'm saying Kensi." Nate clarified quickly. "Anything might have triggered the PTSD again at some point. And since he recently stopped the heroin and was looking for another hit when you found him, Jack was particularly susceptible to regression."

She nodded, but looked down, guilt already eating away at her. Her foolish decision to bring him home had spiraled into regression of his PTSD and the attack this morning. And since he left with his state of mind altered, his behavior would be unpredictable at best.

"Where can we find him?" Callen finally asked.

"He would probably look for something familiar and possibly try to score some more heroin. But guys, I would be extremely cautious; he is in an altered state and might pose a threat."

"Yeah, we found that out." Deeks spoke up before sighing. "And we shut down his supplier."

Kensi sighed. "Jack mentioned that he had been to another place Sanders sold drugs out of downtown, a warehouse, but he didn't know where it was exactly."

Silence settled over the group before Hetty spoke. "Mr Beal and Ms Jones will dig farther into Mr Sanders records, now that we know there is a warehouse, perhaps something will pop. Mr Callen and Hanna, please head back to the shelter Ms Blye found Mr McConnon at and see if they have any information." She turned and faced Kensi and Deeks. "Ms Blye, report on last night. Mr Deeks, I would like to speak to you in my office."

"Ohhhkay," Deeks drew out and sent Kensi a confused expression. She merely shrugged and followed the pair to the bottom of the stairs where she headed toward her desk while Deeks followed the smaller woman to her small office area.

"Have a seat Detective."

The serious tone of her voice gave Deeks pause, but he followed direction, sitting nervously, not sure what was going on, Hetty seemed especially solemn. "Whats up?" he asked lightly.

Tenting her fingers on her desk, the woman seemed to be contemplating her words before she spoke. "Your Captain called me this morning."

Quickly Deeks scanned his memory, trying to remember if he had anything outstanding with LAPD, he was confident he didn't, Ray had been the last open case with them. "Ok…"

"They are requesting you come back immediately for a deep undercover they feel requires your talents. Eight weeks minimum, probably closer to three months."

_No_ was the first thought that ran through his head. _Not now._ "Can't you tell them no?"

She gave him a tight smile. "No, I cannot. You are of their employ, loaned out to NCIS. Not the other way around. If they need you, I am in no position to stop them."

Panic flowed through him, he couldn't leave. This request could _not_ have come at a worse time, just when his partner needed him the most, LAPD wanted him back. He couldn't go; Deeks wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he left her now.

There was one solution. And that solution was one piece of paper in a folder that had been in his bag for four long months. A war raged in Deeks' head. He was choosing his partner or LAPD. Though really, it was _much _more than that. It was the chance to be one of the big boys, to use the skills that were not always utilized to their fullest with LAPD. Yes, LAPD had been his dream as a kid, and he accomplished it by himself, no one helping him, but it had never occurred to him to aspire to a higher level. He was happy as an undercover detective, even if it meant half the force hated him for it. The first couple months as the NCIS liaison officer had not gone spectacularly, his presence had been barely tolerated and his actual liaising was well, questionable, since half the force hated him. But since the run in with the Russians, he was treated – some well intentioned ribbing aside – like part of the team. And for the first time he _liked _being part of a team. He liked _this_ team.

And the work they did at NCIS, while clandestine and rarely acknowledged was so much…bigger. It wasn't stopping the local dealer or ring or terrorist. It was stopping the whole damn supply chain or cell.

Tapping his foot, Deeks craned his head around and looked first at his partner, who was sitting at her desk, head in hands, staring at nothing. Then he looked at the bag on the floor by his desk.

"What if I sign those papers you gave me?"

"Well, then you would no longer be LAPD and I imagine they would not be able to place you undercover."

"What about NCIS?"

"What about it?"

"If I sign the papers do I have to wait to be an agent?"

"All the background work was completed long ago, Detective. So if you sign that paper and I fax a copy to DC, you would be an official probationary agent. As of the second they receive it."

"So I could stay."

"Yes, but Marty," he looked up at the use of his first name. "I don't want you to become an agent for the wrong reasons and regret it later."

Again his foot tapped quickly on the floor and he looked at his partner who had gone back to typing and spoke quietly. "It will be worse if I disappear for months. And I won't regret it."

"You are willing to give up your position at LAPD? The position that you told me four months ago was who you are."

Deeks knew why Hetty was pushing; she wanted to make sure _he _understood the implications of this choice. If he was honest with himself, he had been thinking more and more lately about signing those papers, because NCIS was a place he felt he could do a hell of a lot of good.

"Things change, Hetty."

"Yes, they do."

Suddenly Kensi got up and headed to OPS and Deeks took the opportunity, walking to the bag propped against his desk, and pulling out the thin pile of papers.

Returning to her desk, Deeks held a pen with one hand, but before signing, he looked at her. "One condition, this stays between us for now."

"If you like."

"After this is done with Jack, I'll tell them."

"Agreed. I will have your resignation sent to LAPD for you."

With that he took a deep breath and signed the first page - the resignation papers - then the second, his official application for Agent status, setting the pen down gently on the desk. For a moment he stared at the white sheets. His career at LAPD, the one he had worked so hard for, was over in an instant.

But another career, one he had not anticipated, was starting. Deeks knew this would have happened eventually, he was _good _at this job. But, circumstances had forced it to come sooner than later. Normally he would talk to his partner about this new development, but for the time being he needed to keep it to himself, because he knew that Kensi would attempt to shoulder some kind of blame for his decision. And that was the last thing he wanted.

Smiling, he returned to his desk just as Kensi came down the stairs, and he paused to walk with her.

"You ok?" he asked.

She rubbed one hand across her forehead, careful of the still swollen eye, and nodded. "I'm good. Callen and Sam just checked in, Jack took all his stuff with him last night and no one knows where he could have gone. So Nell and Eric are looking into any friends or acquaintances he might have near my place."

"Makes sense," he said and thought a moment. "If he is looking for familiar, maybe a place you guys used to go? Probably before he left? It would have to be fairly secluded…"

"I don't…maybe this one stretch of beach out by me; we used to go sometimes when he got bad. There's a pier we used to sit under, it was quiet and the waves and peace would help Jack center. But it's gotta be five miles from my apartment."

Deeks shrugged and snatched the keys to the Cadillac off her desk. "Worth a try, hell he made it to Pasadena from Santa Monica."

She nodded and followed him out to the Caddy, not even bothering to argue with him about who was driving, just quietly slipping into the passenger seat.

From the Mission it was twenty minutes to the beach, and it was twenty minutes of Kensi staring out the window as Deeks drove silently. Every time he thought about saying something, he changed his mind, unsure what to say. Which was new for him.

Walking toward the pier, Kensi paused a moment and stared out into relatively calm ocean. "I never liked the ocean much; I used to come out here for Jack."

Again, Deeks didn't know what to say so instead he remained silent.

As soon as they walked under the pier and looked around it was clear no one had been there in a long time. Not a trace that the man had stopped there.

"Not here. Probably never was," she sighed.

"Nope. Anywhere else you can think of?"

Kensi pressed her lips together and stared out at the ocean, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening. But it was a losing battle and before long she felt them trailing down her cheeks. It was all too much, she was still in physical pain from that morning and truth be told, his attack hurt her emotionally as well. Kensi prided herself in her ability to read people and last night, she did not get the sense he was dangerous. But she had been proven incorrect in the most violent of ways. She sunk into the sand, sitting hard, her legs folded under her.

"Kensi?" Deeks worried voice sounded distant even though he was four feet from her. "Kens?"

And then he was at her side, crouching, searching her profile. He noticed the tears and Deeks sat as close to his partner as he could, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and gently pulling her into him.

She laid her head on his shoulder and took in a deep, shuddering breath to get her control back. After several silent minutes she spoke.

"I can't believe I misjudged him that much."

He sighed. "This isn't an average perp Kensi. This is someone you cared about, someone you loved and put a hell of a lot of effort into."

"Yeah, still."

"Please, don't blame yourself."

"Who else is there to blame, Deeks?"

"Jack." Deeks tone was final, non-negotiable and she kept silent after that, knowing he was right.

After another look around the pier and still finding nothing, they headed back to the office. The rest of the day passed with no new information about Jack's whereabouts, and Sanders – their initial target – was also clearly in the wind. The case was going nowhere fast.

* * *

><p>Eventually Hetty appeared and took in her agents, they all looked tired, Kensi especially. Clapping her hands she got their attention. "Call it a night, and since tomorrow is the Fourth of July, I do not wish to see <em>any <em>of you here until the day after tomorrow."

Kensi turned and started to argue, but the woman put up one finger, stopping her. "If either Sanders or Mr. McConnon get a hit on the BOLO, I will contact you. I think an extra day will do you well, Agent Blye."

Sensing arguing was pointless, Kensi nodded her head. With that the manager left the agents to collect their things and depart, Sam and Callen left first after making sure Kensi was ok and confirming Deeks would look out for her. As Kensi shoved her laptop into her bag, Deeks stopped in front of her desk.

"You still want to come over tomorrow?"

"I don't…"

He placed one hand on hers, stopping her packing. "Come on, beer, food, fireworks, and good company."

Looking at their hands she nodded, she needed this. "What time?"

"Say…seven."

"Ok."

"Good. You need me to come over tonight?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I'm good. Really. I need some time to think. Alone."

Deeks regarded her and nodded while pulling his hand back and immediately Kensi missed its warmth. "Ok, night."

"Night."

Staring at her destroyed bedroom, Kensi froze, suddenly she could feel Jacks hands wrapped around her throat again, could feel his fist on her face. Moving slowly into the room, she started by cleaning up the bottles on the dresser, which led to throwing out the ones she never used. Picking up the pillow on the floor led to picking up all the clothes that had been strewn across the room for the last couple weeks. In silence she cleaned the entire room, top to bottom and once again changed the sheets, but this time the sheets that Jack had slept in went in the garbage instead of the washer. She couldn't bare the thought of sleeping on them again. Dry cleaning was hung in the closet and Kensi pulled out the clothes she never wore and placed them in a plastic bag, she would stop on her way into work Tuesday and donate the bag to charity.

Before she realized what she was doing, Kensi was straightening up her entire apartment, and then cleaning it. The state of disaster it was perpetually in bothered her now. A lot. She needed to gather control something and this was easy and right in front of her. Pulling open her TV cabinet, Kensi moved some DVDs around before stumbling across an old photo album. One she hadn't opened in at least four years.

Touching the front of the album, Kensi took a deep breath and opened to the first page. There was a photo of her and Jack right after they first started dating, Kensi was twenty-one, he was a year older and has his arms wrapped around her. It had been nine years since that photo was taken and while Kensi sometimes barely looked thirty, the Jack she had just seen appeared twenty years older than the image in the photo.

Smiling thinly she flipped to the next photo, Christmas that year. Slowly she moved through the photos, each one bringing back memories that were equal parts happy and painful. The last picture was one right before he shipped off to Iraq, he had promised when he got back from the eighteen month tour that they would get married in a simple ceremony. He had promised that their life together would start then, that he would come home safe and they could be together, start a family.

And he had come home safe, but their lives would never be the same.

Shoving the book back into the cabinet, Kensi got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge, looking at the bottle she made a face before returning it and pulling out the bottle of tequila from the cabinet next to the fridge. Quickly she poured a shot and threw it down her throat, which was followed by a second and then a third. Noticing her phone on the coffee table, Kensi considered calling Deeks and asking him to come over and keep her company for a while. But then she decided some alone time would probably do her some good and she tossed back her fourth - or was it fifth? – shot and ambled into her living room, plopping down on the now clean couch.

And that's when Kensi finally started to cry.

tbc..

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><p><strong>Ok, so it's probably going to be closer to two weeks for the next chapter. The in-laws (help me) are visiting all next week so between that and an insane project at work, probably not a lot of writing time in the near future. <strong>


	4. Chapter 4

Extra thank yous as usual to those who take the time to review, they are always appreciated.

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><p><em>Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending ~ Maria Robinson<em>

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><p>Sunshine coming through her half opened curtains woke Kensi from her tequila-assisted sleep. Groaning, she rolled over and stared at the bottle of liquor as if it was it was the golden liquid's fault she had consumed too much and now had a headache and was dying of thirst.<p>

Standing, she nearly cried out when the ache in her head morphed into shooting pain. Though on the plus side, her abdomen and face felt significantly better than they did yesterday.

"Christ," she muttered and went into the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of water and a couple Tylenol. Once the pills were down she picked up her phone and checked for messages. Deeks had texted her at 10 am, it was now nearing eleven. She opened the text and smiled.

_Bring beer tonight._

_Will do. _She quickly responded, despite the fact the mere thought of more alcohol made her stomach roll. Sighing, Kensi moved toward the shower, it was going to be a long day.

At seven pm she was knocking on Deeks' door with a six pack in her hand. He answered and she held up the beer.

"I come bearing gifts."

"My favorite kind," he said and waved her into the apartment.

Despite the picture of the dogs playing poker, Deeks' apartment was neatly furnished with modern, but comfortable furniture and, since he was on the top floor, a great view out the French doors of the harbor behind the complex.

Placing the beer on the kitchen counter, he led her outside onto the balcony and pointed to a large barge in the middle of the water.

"That's the fireworks barge. Its loud as hell here, but the view is excellent."

He walked back into the kitchen and she followed, watching as he seasoned two steaks. She opened two beers and handed him one before sticking the rest in the fridge. Sometimes the familiarity they had outside work scared her, today it was an odd comfort.

"You ok?" he asked while pushing the rub into the meat, not even looking up.

"For the most part." She stated simply and shrugged.

He looked up and gave her an odd look. "You went home last night, right? You weren't running all over LA, were you?"

"I went home," she muttered, if anyone else had said that she might have been offended. "Then I cleaned my apart-"

Now he stopped and looked up at her. "Wait…you _cleaned your apartment_?"

"Yes, don't act so shocked." She paused and Kensi wasn't sure why the next words came out, maybe she needed someone to tell her it was stupid and reckless. "And then I got drunk."

"How drunk?" he asked and she was surprised when he didn't admonish her about the behavior.

"Oh, I was hung-over. This morning the idea of beer made me want to vomit."

"Classy."

"You asked," she commented with a smile.

"Remind me not to next time."

As he took the steaks to the grill she followed him onto his rather large deck, stood by the rail and stared out into the water as he placed the steaks on, the sizzling and smell making her stomach growl in anticipation.

"How do you like your steak?"

"Medium well…closer to well."

"Figured," he commented and leaned on the railing next to her. "How's the face?"

"Colorful, but less painful."

Colorful was an understatement, while the swelling was much better than the day before, the skin around her eye, temple, lip and part of her cheek was a particularly startling shade of purple and black. And he noted she was no longer favoring the left side of her abdomen, which was something.

For a brief moment he considered telling her he was an official probationary NCIS agent, but he held his tongue, now was still not the best time. Instead he returned to the grill and flipped the meat.

It wasn't long before the steaks were done and they were eating at his small kitchen table, Kensi demolishing her meat, potato and small salad at a shocking rate. Deeks bit his tongue several times about the speed and amount of food she consumed.

Finishing off the meal, she gave Deeks a small smile. "Thanks, the steaks were delicious."

"The ability to grill a steak is hardwired into the man gene, you know."

She nearly spit out the mouthful of beer she had. "Hardwired?"

He nodded emphatically and smiled, she laughed lightly.

After several moments of silence, she stood up and started to take his plate. Before she could pick it up, however, his hand wrapped around her wrist and he stood in front of her, raising one hand to ghost over the bruises on her face. "I'm sorry Jack…wasn't how you remembered him."

"It's…it's not your fault, Deeks…I don't know what I was expecting. I guess not…this." She pointed to her face.

Silently he cupped her cheek, his thumb skimming over the cut in her lip. Kensi met his eyes and they stared at each other for a long moment before she leaned into him and kissed him gently. For a moment Deeks was stunned into inaction, unsure if this was such a good idea, until her lips pressed harder and he responded, kissing her back carefully - mindful of the cut - while resting one hand on her hip and tangling the other in the hair at her neck.

Kensi wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his body closer to her. God, he was so good at this it should be illegal.

Air made parting a necessity and they separated, but kept their arms wrapped around each other.

"I…." she started, unsure what to say, because the sensations that kiss sent through her body were overwhelming and would have her falling into bed with him that night. Which would have been a terrible idea and she knew it.

"Wow," Deeks whispered and placed his forehead on hers.

"Yeah," she responded.

Reluctantly pulling away from her, Deeks looked at the clock over her shoulder. "Fireworks should start shortly. More beer?"

She smiled. "Yeah, that would be great."

Silently they cleaned up the dinner plates and each grabbed another beer before settling onto the small outdoor couch on the balcony, Kensi curled into his side and placing her head on his shoulder.

As the fireworks started, Kensi jumped at the near deafening loudness of them, but after the first couple got used to it and grabbed his hand, twining their fingers together. Deeks spared her a small smile, which she returned, and squeezed her fingers gently.

Deeks had been right; the display was great, and nearly an hour long. When they were finally done, Kensi didn't want to move, she was entirely too comfortable still pressed against Deeks. Without the light of the fireworks, they were plunged into semi-darkness, the only light that of the apartments around them, and Deeks pulled his hand from hers, sliding his fingers up and down the skin of her bare arm. Eventually his hand moved farther up and rested on her shoulder, thumb grazing the skin over her collarbone.

Dipping his head down toward her, he captured her lips in a quick kiss.

"Why don't you stay?" he asked quietly. "No funny business."

"That's a tempting offer," she said and cupped his cheek before running the tips of her fingers through the scruff on his face.

"Then take it," he muttered and kissed her again, this time a little longer and the hand that had been at her shoulder moved up into her hair.

She returned the kiss with a deep one of her own and pulled away, breathless. She wanted to stay, more than anything, but the way this was going, Deeks' 'no funny business' promise wouldn't last the time it took to crawl into bed.

"But I can't. Not tonight, it's…you're too tempting. And I still don't have my head on straight."

That seemed to splash cold water on her partner and he immediately pulled away from their half embrace, with a chagrined expression. "You're right, I shouldn't have done that."

Quickly she leaned in and kissed him again before standing and stretching. "It's ok. I should head home though."

He nodded and walked her to the door, where they stood silently for a while, each not quite sure what to say, their relationship had taken a turn tonight, that was evident, but now they seemed confused what to do about it.

"See you tomorrow," she finally said and started for the door, but before she opened it, Deeks had her pinned against it, his hands on either side of her head. Kensi could feel the heat from his body and the memory of waking up with him in her bed almost had her changing her mind about staying.

Then he leaned down and gave her the most heartfelt kiss he could muster, pulling away briefly before returning again to her lips for a shorter, gentle kiss. Stepping back, he stared at her intently before speaking.

"When this mess is all done, I'm taking you out."

She cocked her head at him. "On a date?"

"If you want to call it that, sure."

She fidgeted slightly. "I don't do dates very well. Actually…I don't do second dates very well."

Deeks was well aware of her dating issues, which was why he didn't use the word. "Who said anything about a second date? I didn't even call it a date in the first place, you did. Call it dinner between friends. Who do this…" And he leaned down again, kissing her gently at the juncture of her neck and shoulder before stepping back. Deeks was pretty sure he could kiss her all day and never tire of it.

"I hate you," she mumbled. And she sorta did because he was stirring up that familiar sensation of desire, which would only make walking out that damn door harder. Because making out with Deeks felt good, _sinfully _good. And while her body was screaming at her to stay, to let him have his way, her mind was winning, reminding her that she was still smarting from Jack and needed time. Sleeping with Deeks now would feel entirely too much like a rebound.

He merely grinned and she returned it with a smile before bidding him goodnight and stepping out of the apartment.

* * *

><p>The next morning she arrived at the Mission to find Deeks already there, on the phone. Her partner nodded a hello before turning back to the conversation, which appeared personal, so Kensi gave him space and went to the coffee maker.<p>

On her way back he was done and she paused at his desk, noting the other two agents were missing.

"Morning, Deeks."

"Morning, Kensi."

To anyone on the outside the greetings were normal workplace fare, but the looks they were exchanging were far from it.

"So," he started slowly, with a devious expression. "That was Ray on the phone."

"Ray? I didn't know you were talking to him again."

"I called him last week on the six month anniversary of their relocation just to check in."

She sat on the edge of his desk and sipped carefully from the cup. "And how's it going?"

"Not bad. Job is going well; Jenna found a part time gig. Sounds like it gonna work out for them."

She smiled, she honestly liked Ray and he seemed like a good guy who got caught up in something he simply couldn't get out of. "Good for them."

"He asked about…us. Our…thing."

Now her eyebrows rose. "And?"

"I told him our thing was…working itself out."

"Working itself out, huh?"

He shrugged and leaned back in his chair, eyeing her. "I hope so."

She remained silent and hopped off his desk, sitting at hers without speaking. It wasn't long before they were dragged into yet another lead on Sanders that went nowhere. They could both sense that Hetty was tiring of the game and was ready to pull them off the case.

Returning to the Mission, Deeks grabbed his partners arm as they approached the bullpen.

"Come over tonight?"

"Deeks…" her tone was warning.

"Dinner. We can order Chinese from the place you love so much."

"I'll think about it."

He gave her an impish grin. "Don't think too long or I'll have to go to Plan B."

She raised one eyebrow at him. "I'm almost afraid to ask what that is…"

"Plan B is to invite a lovely lady from two doors down over. She's been hinting for weeks now."

"Ahhh, should have figured."

He just smiled but as she was ready to respond, a voice stopped them. "Ms. Blye."

"How-" Deeks asked and looked around, curious where Hetty had been in the moment before appearing out of seemingly nowhere.

"Might I speak to you?"

"Of course." Kensi said and sent a look to her partner, who looked concerned, and followed the manager.

Moving to her office area, Hetty turned toward the junior agent and sighed. "Ms Blye, the day after tomorrow I will be sending the Sanders case to San Diego, this includes the search for Mr. McConnon. At this point our resources are better served elsewhere. I am sorry."

Kensi visibly deflated but knew this was coming, there was no way Hetty would let this go on much longer. "I figured it would happen at some point…"

"I have instructed Agent Farin to keep us appraised if Jack shows up. I know you were hoping to help him in some manner, and hopefully, one day you will be able to."

"Thank you for holding onto it this long."

"You are very welcome, dear. If you need anything at all, you come talk to me - or your partner. All right?"

Kensi pursed her lips together and nodded. "I will."

"Go on."

Kensi nodded and turned around, heading toward her desk. The second she sat down, Deeks was up and sitting in Callen's chair. "What's going on?"

"Hetty is sending the case to San Diego day after tomorrow."

Deeks scooted the chair closer to her and bumped her knees with his, grabbing her hands. "You ok?"

"I will be, I knew it was coming. We can't keep the case forever; it was barely ours to start with. It was the last connection I had to him, you know? Now it's someone else keeping up the BOLO and doing the legwork and I just…I feel like I'm failing again."

"I'm sorry, Kens."

She just nodded and placed her forehead on his shoulder, taking deep breaths to control her emotions. They stayed that way for several minutes before she pulled away and gave him a sad smile.

"I think I want to be alone tonight."

Reaching out, he pushed some hair behind her ear; clearly neither cared who saw them.

"Ok, if you need me…"

"I know."

"Tell Hetty I left?"

He just nodded and watched her walk out the door.

* * *

><p>It wasn't even an hour later that Eric appeared in the bullpen, interrupting an argument the three men were having about the Lakers.<p>

"Ummm, guys? Where's Kensi?"

That got Deeks' attention and he whirled on the tech. "Home, why?"

"We have a Jack sighting by a Detective Littner. He was checking out an abandoned warehouse that LAPD has on their drug deals hitlist."

"Littner's an undercover," Deeks stated. "Good one too. If he says he saw Jack, then he did."

"Yeah, he was UC at the time, didn't want to follow and blow his cover, but he called it in as soon as he could."

"When did he see him?" Callen asked.

"Bout forty five minutes ago."

"Ok, Eric call LAPD and tell them we are going in hot. Deeks, get Kensi and meet us out there."

Quickly the team split up and within twenty minutes Deeks was standing at Kensi's door, knocking.

After several long minutes, the door opened and his partner stared at him before letting out an annoyed sigh. "I thought I said I wanted to be al-"

"LAPD sighted Jack at an abandoned warehouse that's used for drug deals downtown about an hour ago."

Her eyes opened wide. "What?"

"Get your stuff; we are meeting Callen and Sam there."

"Yeah, yeah ok," she muttered and turned back into the apartment, quickly locating her cell, keys, gun and phone. In no time they were in her Cadillac and heading to meet the other team members.

"Why is it you always have to drive?" he asked about halfway to their destination.

"Are you complaining?"

"Yes, yes I am. As the man in this…relationship, I really should get to drive more."

Kensi smiled, taking his conversation for what it was; a diversion. "Well, maybe if you stopped acting like the girl in this relationship I would let you drive."

"That's cold," he said with a smile.

"Truth hurts."

With that Deeks reached across the car and took her right hand in his, squeezing gently.

They met Sam and Callen one block down for the warehouse and walked in the rest of the way, Deeks and Kensi taking the front entrance, with the other agents coming in a side door.

The sun was quickly setting, which inside the warehouse full of empty crates and metal racking just made it harder – the glare off the metal giving the impression of movement when there was none.

With practiced movements the two pairs cleared one area after another, swiftly moving through the front of the warehouse, leaving a larger back area to be searched.

With their guns down, Kensi and Deeks moved left when Sam and Callen went right, thirty seconds into the search a noise to the right got the pairs attention. Quickly Deeks signaled he would go right while Kensi went left.

Kensi spoke quietly – they didn't want to spook Jack - into the ear piece. "We have noise on the west side."

"On our way," Callen said.

Moving her way through the crates and shelving, Kensi circled around to where they had heard the noise. Again she heard shuffling, but this time it was louder and she moved toward the noise, finally speaking into the now mostly dark space.

"Jack?"

Silence.

"Jack, it's Kensi. If that's you, I need you to come out."

Again there was shuffling and a muffled grunt. She moved closer again and called out, "Jack…come on."

As she went around the next crate, what Kensi saw sent her heart tumbling. Jack was standing still, holding a gun.

The end of which was pointed at the back of Deeks' head.

tbc…..

Dum dum dum. The fifth and final chapter should be up in a week, week and a half (RL has been insane lately).


	5. Chapter 5

**Tis the end my friends, see the AN at the end for more.**

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><p><em>You never find yourself until you face the truth ~ Pearl Bailey<em>

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><p>The men were standing in profile to her, Deeks' hands held loosely in the air next to him, his gun gone, head turned slightly toward her. Jack was focused on the back of Deeks' head, clearly contemplating.<p>

Kensi took several deep breaths before meeting Deeks' eyes; he looked concerned for sure, but not yet at panic stage. She gave him a tight smile before turning to Jack, who was resolutely focused on the gun pointed at her partner.

"Jack," she spoke softly and stepped toward him, keeping her Sig pointed at him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Callen and Sam move in subtly for support, staying close but keeping their distance. "Put the gun down."

Another step toward him and now Jack looked at her and again, her heart sank, because his arm was shaking and his eyes wouldn't focus.

"Let Detective Deeks go, Jack."

"I…" he started but stopped, confused. "He's one of them, a sandman."

_No, no…not again._

"No, Jack, he's not a sandman. He's an LAPD detective and he's my partner."

Confusion covered his face and Jack looked back to Deeks once more, who was wisely staying silent. "No! He tried to kill me…"

"No one is here to kill you, Jack. We want to help you."

"_I don't need help!" _The gun shook more violent and Deeks cringed. Even a shot that was a little off target at that range could be deadly.

"Ok, ok," she appeased. "There isn't any reason to kill him, Jack. I'm here; we can take him in together."

"Take him in? For what purpose?" Now he poked Deeks between the shoulders with the gun and the former liaison closed his eyes momentarily. He had been on the wrong end of a gun many times before, and been shot for that matter. But being held hostage was a new, and unsettling, feeling. "Useless fucking sandmen."

"Maybe we can get him to talk." One more step toward him and Kensi was within ten feet. "Tell us something we can use. He might be valuable."

Jack seemed to consider that a long moment.

He wasn't listening to her, the former Marine was lost in his own world and Kensi knew she couldn't pull him out of it. Somehow she knew this standoff would end up being a choice between her partner and her ex-fiancé. There was not going to be a happy ending for someone.

Kensi always prided herself on being able to read the exact second when a perp would decide which path to take. And it was no different with Jack; the look on his face gave away his intentions as his eyes flittered back to Deeks with a cold stare

The next seconds seemed to happen in slow motion.

Jack raised the gun and again pointed it at the back of Deeks' head at the same second Kensi steadied her own weapon, aiming for Jacks shoulder.

As she pulled the trigger, however, Jack turned toward her, subtly changing the path the bullet would take.

Kensi watched in horror as Jack crumbled to the ground, a large blossom of blood spreading at a rapid pace across his chest. Quickly Kensi looked at Deeks, who was still standing there stunned - but unharmed - before she yelled Jack's name and ran toward him, dropping to her knees at his chest. The blood stain on his t-shirt was already twice the size it had been when he dropped.

"No," she hissed and heard Callen call for EMTs as a familiar flannel shirt was placed in her hands.

Taking the shirt, she pressed it firmly to Jacks chest, trying to stop the flow of blood, but Kensi had seen enough gunshots in her day and she knew the shot had been close to the heart and based on the fact the shirt was already half soaked through she suspected at a minimum a blood vessel had been nicked.

_Please no…please no…_

"I'm…sorry, Kens," Jack finally stumbled out, starting to shake and not just from the drugs.

She sniffled and blinked the tears away. "Don't be sorry."

"You deserve…more…"

"Stay with me…" she whispered and felt Deeks crouch next to her.

"I…" he started.

"No…" she whispered and bent her head down.

Even as she pressed harder, Kensi could see the life bleeding from his eyes and suddenly the small movements his chest had been making as he struggled to breathe, stopped.

"Jack…NO!" she practically yelled and pushed harder. Somewhere in the background she could hear Deeks voice, but she couldn't discern the words. Everything seemed to be blurry and far away, she couldn't seem to focus on anything aside from the man on the cold concrete in front of her.

Suddenly hands were on hers, pulling her away gently but she fought back, pushing her partner away from her. "Get the hell away from me, Deeks."

"He's gone Kens," her partner whispered as Callen stood from checking Jack's pulse and shook his head at the detective.

"NO!" she screamed even as Deeks wrapped his arms around her. When he tried to pull her back, she struggled mightily, trying to push his hands off her but Deeks' grip was unrelenting. "Let me fucking go, Deeks. I can save him…I can save him." Her voice had lowered by the end of the sentence.

"Kensi…" he whispered and pulled her back, successful this time, sitting on the concrete floor with his partner between his legs, his arms wrapped around her upper arms.

"I shot him…oh my God. I killed him," she whispered.

Suddenly she twisted in his arms and for a moment Deeks thought she was going to try and pull away from him, but instead she placed her head on his chest and gripped the tank top he had thankfully been wearing.

Looking at the other two NCIS agents, Deeks slowly stroked her back and whispered quietly to her. His actions seemed to go unnoticed and after several minutes she extricated herself from him slowly and stood, looking down at Jack's body.

A sudden wave of nausea rolled over her, but she managed to tamp it down and stepped away, walking out the front door of the building. She was not surprised when Deeks did not follow her; he always had good instincts about when she needed to be left alone. And right now she needed a few minutes of silence before the EMTs then the ME would arrive.

In the warehouse, Deeks looked down at Jack's body and shook his head. "It didn't have to end like this."

"She didn't have a choice, Deeks. It was you or him," Callen stated simply.

"Yeah, thanks for the reminder," Deeks muttered, he felt terrible that he had (however inadvertently) lead to the events unfolding as they did. If he hadn't been surprised by Jack, and had his gun taken away, this would have had a much different ending.

As the ME took Jack away, Kensi stood in the background, pacing small circles with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Every once in a while she would wipe her nose with the edge of the itchy wool.

Deeks kept his eyes on his partner, but spoke to Callen. "I'm taking her home."

"Fine…and stay with her Deeks. I don't think I've ever seen her like this. Make sure she doesn't do something stupid."

"Like…what?" he asked, genuinely curious what Callen though Kensi would do if left alone.

"I don't know, and that's the problem."

And there it was, this was uncharted waters with Kensi and the team was unsure what her reaction would be.

Kensi watched the three men as she paced in small circles, not quite believing what had just happened. She had shot Jack. She had _shot Jack and killed him. _The nausea returned but she breathed slowly and pushed it away. She had only intended to wound him, but he had fucking moved as she pulled the trigger. Kensi was one hundred percent sure Jack was about to put a bullet in Deeks' head, her hand had been forced and she did what she had to in order to protect her partner.

She watched as Deeks ended his conversation with Sam and Callen and approached her; she knew the ending to this chapter. He would insist on taking her home and staying to make sure she was ok. Kensi would relent to the first one, but not the second.

"Come on," he said once he approached her and reached out slowly, unsure if she would come with him.

Kensi shucked the blanket off her shoulders and handed it to the nearest EMT as she followed Deeks to her car, sliding into the passenger seat.

"Callen talked to Hetty. She wants your report tomorrow morning."

"Ok," she said quietly and looked out the window as Deeks pulled out onto the streets.

The twenty minute drive to her apartment was in strained silence, Deeks didn't know what to say; 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem like enough.

Once they got there, he followed her up to the door, but as she unlocked it and stepped over the threshold, Kensi turned and looked at her partner, who appeared almost as tired as she was.

"Go home, Deeks."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

She sighed wearily. "Honestly, I don't care. Just…go, ok?"

"Callen said…"

Her voice took on a snippy tone. "And I _really_ don't care what Callen said. That man has no room to talk."

"Kensi, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry, Deeks. It's not your fault. It's not Jack's fault. It's mine. I let this go too far. It's on me."

Instantly he shook his head. "No-"

She raised a hand, stopping him. "For the last time; leave. I'll be fine. I'm going to shower and go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."

Deeks started to open his mouth to voice another protest, but quickly shut it again and nodded. This was a losing battle and the longer he drew it out, the less rest she would get.

"Fine. I don't like it, but I'll go." He reached out and cupped her cheek; she leaned into the touch and closed her eyes. For a moment she thought about changing her mind and letting him in, but instead she pulled away. She couldn't deal with Deeks and his well-intentioned hovering tonight. Kensi knew she was reverting to old behavior – pulling away when she needed people the most, but couldn't bring herself to care, she just wanted to be alone.

"I'll be fine. Good night."

"Night, Kensi."

She nodded and closed the door slowly. For a long moment he stared at the door wondering if he had made a mistake in not forcing the issue, but turned and headed toward his car.

Despite being completely exhausted, Deeks couldn't sleep. He had taken a long hot shower once he returned home and had sat on his balcony, staring out into the water. Usually the relaxing sound of the waves had Deeks dozing within a couple minutes, but tonight nothing helped. Concern for his partner had his mind spinning. Looking at the cell sitting next to him, he debated at least sending her a text but in the end decided to leave her alone as she asked. No matter how much it bothered him to do it.

* * *

><p>The next morning couldn't come fast enough and Deeks shortened his run in an effort to get into the office early and see his partner. Approaching the Mission, however, he was surprised not to see her Cadillac parked in its usual spot. He was early, but not that early, Deeks would have thought she would have been in already giving Hetty her report.<p>

Entering, he found her desk undisturbed from the night before and dropped his stuff. Both the other men were also missing, though clearly they had been there. Sighing Deeks opened his computer and started working on his version of the night's events.

It was nearly an hour later when Sam and Callen returned to the bullpen, neither with a pleased expression. That's when Deeks realized it was nearly thirty minutes after Kensi would normally be in.

"Guys, anyone heard from Kensi?" he asked, just managing to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

The other two men shared a meaningful glace before Callen spoke. "She called Hetty this morning and asked for a few leave days. Hetty gave them to her."

"What's 'a few'?"

"I don't know. That's between Hetty and Kensi."

Deeks gave him a hard look. "Don't you think as her partner I need to know as well?"

Callen knew where the concern was coming from but also knew this was how Kensi coped. "No. Unless we need her for an op, it's none of our business."

"But…" Deeks started but was cut off by a scathing look from the team lead which he promptly ignored and continued. "You're doing it again; not pushing."

Sam appeared confused, but Callen looked at Deeks exasperated, mostly because he was right. Callen had been thinking about they way they dealt with Kensi since the liaison had leveled the accusation that they were making things worse. As the only woman on the team, they tended to treat her like a little sister, the one you let get away with murder and do what she wanted even if you didn't agree because hey, she was the baby. Callen got the impression Deeks decidedly did _not _see Kensi as the baby sister and probably that was a good thing. It was time someone started calling her out, as Hetty did to him on occasion.

"Don't you think we should-" He tried again.

Callen shook his head emphatically. "Not this time."

There was something in Callen's tone that had Deeks nodding his head in agreement.

The first day without talking to her was nearly unbearable, he had sent several text messages despite Callen's insistence that they leave her in peace. None were returned.

At seven that night, Deeks found himself parked in front of her apartment. He was attuned to his partner well enough to know the difference between asking for space to sort things out and forcing him to leave because she wouldn't like what he would say. Callen might let her get away with it, but he sure as hell wasn't going to. Deeks would not allow his partner to be alone with this because he knew perfectly well that the truth she was avoiding was that none of this was her fault but she would blame herself entirely.

Taking a deep breath, he got out of the car and approached the dark apartment, knocking on the door. He knew she was home because not only was her car in its usual spot, but he _might _have asked Eric to confirm her cell was there as well.

After several moments he saw the curtain pushed back just a touch, and several seconds after that the door opened, his partner stepping into the threshold, not allowing him in or even the ability to see in her darkened apartment.

"Deeks…" she sighed. "I asked you to leave me alone."

"Well, you also said you would see me this morning and then I find out from Callen you took time off."

"I'm sorry I didn't call you, I just…needed space."

He took in her appearance; she was wearing a pair of well-worn cotton shorts, a tank top and nothing else. Her hair was pulled back into a loose braid which just accented her red rimmed eyes and sallow complexion.

"Can I come in?" he finally asked after several silence moments.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Deeks."

"Why? I can keep you company, we can watch trashy reality TV."

"I just…I want to be alone."

"Why? So you can blame yourself some more?"

Anger flashed in her eyes. "It was my fault, Deeks."

"No, it wasn't, and you know that."

Slowly she rubbed her forehead, all she wanted was him gone. "Deeks, I am not having this conversation with you right now. Please just go. I'll talk to you in a couple days."

She started to close the door, but he placed on hand on it, stopping her, which earned him a harsh glare. "Don't shut me out now, Kens."

"I'm not shutting you out. I just…"

"Need to blame yourself. And push everyone away who wants to help you." He paused and looked in her eyes. "I am here for you. _Always._"

For a moment he thought he had gotten through to her with the all too familiar words, but suddenly her eyes flickered down and she shook her head. "Just...please leave."

Deeks knew when he was defeated and looked up at the sky a moment. "Fine. But you really need to stop doing this to yourself. It's not Kensi Blye against the world; you have people who care a lot about you."

"I'll see you in a couple days, Deeks," she said quietly and shut the door.

Closing the door, she walked back to her couch and curled up on it, pulling a blanket around her body. She didn't want to push him away, her body almost ached with the desire to have him holding her, comforting her as she thought about all the ways she had once again failed Jack. She knew Deeks would always be there for her, but in the worst of times, she was reverting back to the old Kensi, before he came along. The one who didn't need anyone else, who would lick her wounds alone in the corner before coming back as if nothing had happened. And she would accept the new scars as experience, but each one pushed her father away from being able to connect to people on a deeper level.

And acknowledging it wasn't her fault, that Jacks own actions caused his death wasn't something she could do.

Because she couldn't get over the fact it was at her hands.

* * *

><p>There were no pending cases at NCIS so instead Callen and Sam took it upon themselves to help Deeks with his professional development (even though they were still unaware of his change in status). Sparring with Sam was not nearly as entertaining as it was with Kensi. And while Callen and Kensi were equals on the shooting range, his ability to teach was limited. Mostly since he wasn't as willing to get up close and personal with Deeks as she was.<p>

At the end of Day Three, Deeks was starting to go a little insane and was quickly taking the other agents down with him. He couldn't focus on anything, and the pent up energy he usually spent picking on his partner was making him twitchy. More than once Sam had sent a death glare in his direction, before getting up himself and going anywhere the former liaison was not.

Staring at his cell phone, Deeks had made up his mind to go to his partner's house again that night when Callen crossed into his vision.

"I'm heading over tonight, Deeks."

"That's ok, I've got it."

Callen just shook his head. "Don't repeat this to anyone, if you do Ill deny it. You were right, me and Sam, we don't push Kensi the way we should. Four years and not once can I remember her pulling this far back from us. Nate's the only one who really knows about Jack and what happened to her father-" Deeks looked at him funny and Callen sighed. "And apparently you now. We have been doing her a disservice and I know you guys are…close. But I think I'd like the chance to make up for not doing what I should have in the past."

Deeks contemplated his words. "Ok, go. Just…tell her I'm worried, will you?"

Callen gathered his things and as he left called out over his shoulder, "I can do that…Agent Deeks."

Deeks stared at the team lead as he left. _Son of a…_

* * *

><p>Kensi was roused from dozing lightly on the couch by a knock on the door. She was unsurprised by the knock, Deeks had been texting her every couple hours since the night she forced him to leave, she just couldn't bring herself to respond, too much had been going on in her head.<p>

Getting up, she opened the door, prepared to tell her partner to leave her the hell alone already, but the sight of Callen at the door stopped her cold.

"Callen," she said surprised.

"Kens," he stated back and smiled. "Can I come in?"

Snapping out of her confusion she nodded. "Yeah, sorry. Come in."

As Callen entered the apartment the first thing he noticed was it was clean…like, obsessively so. He had been to her place many times and not once had he seen it straightened up. "This is what you've been doing for three days?"

"Actually I did this before Jack…" She paused and took a breath. "Before he died."

Callen merely nodded and looked at her. The bruises were much smaller, though Callen could still see several large dark spots centering where the blows had been.

"I read your report," he stated simply.

"I figured."

"You shouldered too much of the blame, Kens."

"I don't see how, seeing as I shot him."

"It was an accident, Kensi. You were protecting your partner."

At the mention of Deeks, Kensi's eyes softened and she looked down. "How is Deeks?"

"He would be better if you at least returned a text."

"I couldn't. He tried coming over but I...I made him leave."

"Why?"

"Doesn't matter G."

"Yeah, it does. Why?"

She threw her hands up and paced past him, settling heavily on the couch, Callen sat next to her. "Because he's Deeks. Because he'll want to talk about it endlessly..."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Yeah, it is. I don't want to talk about what happened, I want to move on, put it behind me."

"Is that what you are doing here, alone? Putting it behind you? I don't see how lying to yourself is helping."

"The lie is better, Callen, don't you see that? It's easier if I take the blame because how can you blame a dead man? Especially when you're the person that killed him?" Her voice lowered. "Especially when it's Jack."

"He's worried about you, Kens. We all are."

"I'm a big girl, Callen."

"I know, it's just…" Callen leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. "Deeks was right."

"What?"

He kept his eyes focused on the blank television. "You know why we never would have worked?"

Kensi's eyes widened, they _never _spoke of the brief – extremely brief – flirtation they had had with a relationship shortly after she started with the team. It never went farther than a few dinners and one night that stopped long before anything of consequence had happened.

"We're team members."

Callen snorted and leaned back. "No. Because we are too alike, Kens. We both…retreat when things get tough; we've learned not to depend on anyone but ourselves because people, they leave and then you're stuck alone again. It's easier not to deal with emotional attachments. But Deeks…he pushes you, in a good way. He won't let you get away with the crap Sam and I do. And that's why you wouldn't let him over."

"Because he's pushy?"

"Don't play dumb with me Blye."

Looking at Callen she pursed her lips together, because he was right. She didn't want Deeks over because he would be blunt with her, tell her the way it is and she didn't want to hear it. She was happy blaming herself for Jack's death, just the way she was happy blaming herself when he left all those years ago. It was easier to shoulder the blame then let someone else in to lean on.

Callen's warm hand landed on her shoulder. "Let him in. He's good for you; you're a happier person with him around."

She gave him a sideways glance and smiled. "Are you encouraging this?"

They both knew what "this" meant.

Callen shrugged and got off the couch. "What I don't know won't hurt me."

"What about Hetty?" she asked and followed him to the door.

"Hetty probably already knows about you two. To be honest, most of the building has known it was coming."

"Lovely," she muttered and opened the door for him. As he hit the other side of the threshold, Callen turned back to her.

"Don't leave him twisting too long. He's hurting too."

"Thanks Dr. Ruth." That earned her a glare and she sighed. "I'll catch him tomorrow before work. Thanks, G."

"Welcome. Night," he said and quickly leaned in, kissing her gently on the temple.

* * *

><p>Getting out of her car into the early LA sunshine and already nearly oppressive heat, Kensi was thankful for the strapless cotton shirt and jean shorts she wore. Taking her sandals off she stepped onto the beach and started walking slowly away from the other two surfers on the beach. It didn't take long before she found a small pile of towels, on top of which was his watch. The same one she had clutched like a talisman after he had been shot.<p>

It didn't take long for her to find him; there were only two other surfers and his obnoxiously orange board shorts were not hard to spot in the blue water.

If he saw her, he didn't indicate it and she watched as he rode several more waves, making it look incredibly easy, before heading in, approaching her slowly. Silently he dug his board into the sand behind him and picked up a towel, drying off his hair and chest before sitting next to her in the sand.

"Hey," she said quietly before staring out into the ocean.

"Hey, partner," he replied. "You found me."

"I found you," she parroted back with a small smile.

"Hmmm…how many beaches did you try before this one?"

She scrunched up her noise in annoyance. "Just one."

"Nice, I'm trying to switch it up, taking my tradecraft seriously these days, you know." That earned him a strange look and he immediately realized the error. "Sam still checks up on me, he thinks I don't know."

She nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "I'm sorry about the other night. I know you were trying to help. I just…didn't want to hear the truth I guess."

"What truth?" he asked and rubbed the towel through his hair again.

"That Jacks death was not my fault."

"That's because it wasn't."

"I realize that …I knew that from the beginning, I think. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't reconcile that even though it was my gun that killed him it wasn't my fault, I was protecting you, I wasn't going for the kill. But in the end…I fired the shot, Deeks." She took a long shuddering breath and stared out into the ocean.

"You saved my life," he said quietly.

"And that's just it. It could have been you. One second later and he would have put that bullet in your head."

Absently Deeks rubbed the back of his head.

"If it had been you Deeks…" her voice cracked and she felt her chest tighten at the visual of her partner dead.

Carefully he moved behind her, legs on either side of hers, arms wrapped securely around her, his bare chest pressed to her back, lips by her ear. "I'm not, I'm right here."

"And he's gone now…"

"I'm sorry, Kensi. I'm so sorry," he mumbled into her hair.

She brought up one hand and gripped his forearm hard; he could feel her body starting to shake as she cried silently. He held her tighter.

"It was Jacks choices that brought him to that warehouse. It was a long line of choices, most of which involved him pushing you away, which ended his life. It might have been your gun, but it was his decisions that put you in that position."

"I know," she forced out. "I know…

"He was high as a kite, Kensi. Abby sent the tox report back last night."

She stilled and sighed. "I thought so."

"And he was not medicating his PTSD at all, hadn't been for a while. He should have been in a center somewhere that they could help him detox and get back on the PTSD meds."

"Yeah..." She whispered and tilted her head, resting it on his upper arm. "There really wasn't anything I could do for him, was there?"

"I don't know."

"Don't start bullshitting me now, Deeks."

He sighed. "Look, Kensi. He clearly didn't want the help you offered. Addicts…they can't _be_ helped unless they want it. And I couldn't tell you if he wanted help or not. But if he did, I know you would have gotten it for him. No isn't an answer you tend to accept."

She seemed to consider that and they fell into another silence, this time the only sound the waves crashing on the beach. Her body relaxed back into his and Deeks placed his chin gently on her bare shoulder.

"Why didn't you tell me you don't like the beach when I suggested surfing lessons?" He finally asked.

She shrugged. "How could I say no to the offer? I wanted to learn and I had a great teacher."

"That's right you did."

He felt her laugh and smiled along with her. They were silent a while before he spoke again. "I signed the papers."

She was confused momentarily before comprehension dawned and she abruptly pulled away, turning to fully face him. "You did what?"

"I signed the papers; I'm an official probationary NCIS agent. Tah-dah!" As he spoke a broad, genuine grin crossed his face.

"Why did you do that? Last week you still weren't sure…"

With that smile still on his face he cupped her cheeks. "Because I wanted to."

"But Deeks…"

"It was the right time," he stated firmly, his tone and expression telling her that was the end of the conversation. "So, you know what I like to do after a morning surf?"

"No, and I'm a little afraid to ask." She grinned at him.

"Breakfast," he said and stood up, holding out a hand for her. Which she took and stood as well, brushing off her clothes. "There's a place around the corner that has great waffles. Come?"

"Sure."

They walked to his SUV and secured his board and tossed his towels in the front seat before he grabbed her hand and tugged her down the sidewalk. "It's a nice walk."

She merely nodded and walked next to him, their hands still joined.

As they walked slowly, Kensi looked at her partner. "I think I could learn to like the beach."

In response he let go of her hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close and kissing her temple.

"Good."

END

**AN: Thank you again for the reviews/alerts, ect. The alerts are appreciated, but those who take the time to review get extra thanks, reviews really do fuel the writers soul, so don't forget to leave one on the way out to let me know if you enjoyed this short journey. **

**Since the premier is upon us (7 weeks!), I think for my next fic I want to do something fun to help pass the time, so I've decided on trying my hand at a Word of the Day deal (I debated a fill in the blanks for The Call but decided that would be more work than I want to put into this, though I'm not dismissing the idea for later). It would not be an everyday thing, probably twice a week or so depending on RL. Should be coming at you…whenever I get the first word I like. **

**See you in the next one…**


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